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Rambling Nica thoughts.

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March/Spring break=Nicaragua.
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Or that has been my life for the last five years. Every spring break since I was 18 I have either spent spring break in Nica and/or have been obsessing about our group trip to Nica. So spending this week staying home working my full-time job is a new experience.I cannot hardly describe everything going through my mind or if it is good or bad. Not completely sure how to feel about it. A mixture of feelings really.

Strange, difficult, sad, frustration, lost, confused, failure…
but also,
Relaxed, content, thankful, relieved, understanding

This time last year I was in the depths of Nica- living there, trying to learn the language, attempting to make relationships, find my way around all while wanting to help as much as possible but seeing myself turn in circles. The TX group was visiting and I was in the middle of ready to give up and going back with them to TX and extending my time so I could make an actual impact.

Even as the people behind me in the coffee shop speak spanish right now I am transported back to Nica. So I miss it and I am extremely hard on myself knowing that I basically abondonded Nica once I returned to the states and didn’t really do ‘anything’ of substantial value while I was there. Most people have no idea the hours I have spent in absolute anxiety thinking about my time there and how it really has changed me in every part of my life.

However, the second wave of feelings are just as present and just as strong. As weird as it is for me not to be going… I also am not focused on the trip. Yes I am thinking about it but I spend far more time concerned about my own job, life, loves etc now. And it has been really really good for me to only think about myself for awhile. And it took me a long time to be okay with just taking care of me. I have to wake up every morning and remind myself that I am worth spending time on and that the more I improve the more I can help others. So I am spending my ‘spring break’ working and enjoying just being with me.

I know the group is doing great things but for now I am completely certain that where I am is exactly where I should be because the trip is not about me… its about doing as much good for the commmunity of Chinandega as possible. But right now- I have nothing left to give to Nica. It has been a tough transition for me back to the states and I don’t even let on to most people in my life how much of a struggle it has been. I am an extremist and I could not in my heart just go back to Nica for a week then return to the states. I cannot turn the experience on and off like that. I think too much.

So I have cried for sadness when group left because I couldn’t join but mixed in were also tears of understanding. There is a time and a place for everything. I have every faith that I will go back but I am all the happier for those that can go now and utilize their skills to help in whatever way they can. Excited for the future of the Rotary Clubs working together to make a lasting and sustainable impact.

Nicaragua is always in my heart and mind. For now though my girls need my attention and love here. They need hugs, laughs and someone to look up to also. And I need them.

Poco a poco podemos cambiar el mundo…el mundo entero. Aquí y allá.

Way of the Peaceful Warrior

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(a little long but worth the read)

Yesterday I was feeling a little under the weather with some stomach pain. I slept as long as I could but not doing anything is always a struggle for me. I decided resting would be a perfect time to catch up on some reading. Reading has been one aspect of my life that I can always depend on to bring me joy. I remember spending hours when I was younger getting lost in books. Through the years of having to read more and more academia material  though I lost the joy of reading for pleasure and relaxation. It was always about studying and memorizing the words. Thankfully, that is no longer the case and for Christmas my parents bought me a Nook…which I absolutely LOVE. Its like a library at my fingertips!

Anyways….before I left for Nica I asked a couple of my good friends what they suggest I read. My wonderful friend Kathy suggested “A Way of the Peaceful Warrior” by Dan Millman. I downloaded it and it has been just waiting for me to read it. Yesterday was the perfect day. The problem I have with reading good books however is that once I start them I don’t want to put it down until I finish, I am too curious or maybe impatient. Either way, yesterday was the perfect day to start AND finish Way of the Peaceful Warrior. I realize I’m a little late with reading this book as its been around for awhile. But never to late.

I am a thinker, an analyzer and pursuer of the difficult questions in life. One reason I created this blog is because more often than not I am thinking about the purpose of life, meaning of happiness, how to be hopeful…etc. This book, my friends, compelled my ever thinking mind and took me for a wonderful journey of finding peace within oneself. Its not that the book had “the answer” to all my questions about happiness or that it even said anything different than I have heard before. What it did do however is make me reach deep into my mind and soul for how I live my life and how I pursue happiness and peace within myself. It challenged my thought process and I will probably have to read it a few more times just to sufficiently absorb everything it has to offer.

I could write for days about this book but for now I want to share a few of the main concepts that I was able to grasp:

  • Happiness within ourselves and for our lives takes hard work. Most, including myself, feel like happiness is something that should come naturally and with instant gratification. Whenever we are not happy we become even more unsatisfied with ourselves and the cycle of unhappiness continues. The real problem though is that we are not working at being happy. It should be a constant and conscious effort on our part to strive for happiness. We depend on material things, our job, others, etc to make us happy when in reality it is only ourselves who must choose whether or not we are willing to put in the work to be in a state of true happiness.

“Happiness is not just something you feel-it is who you are.Everyone everywhere lived a confused, bitter search. Reality never matched their dreams; happiness was just around the corner- a corner they never turned. And the source of it all was the human mind.”

  • We must strive to be like an infant. So much time we waste trying to conceal our feelings and as a result we only hurt ourselves for longer. Its like holding a knife blade in our hands so that it won’t hurt. We know that when somebody pulls the blade it will slice us so we hold tighter out of fear… but when they pull because we have held on tighter it only hurts more. Babies are masters of emotions. Have you ever watched as a baby cries or laughs? They know exactly how they feel and they do not have the capability to over-think or hide their feelings. The only choice for them is to show their emotions to the fullest. When a baby is upset, lets say she is hungry, what happens? She cries and lets the world know that something is wrong, once she is fed she stops crying. She no longer cries. She let go.

“It doesn’t wonder about whether it should be crying. Babies accept their emotions completely. They let feeling flow, then let them go.”

  • There are no accidents in life. Trials and tribulations make life interesting but even more so they are the purpose of our lives. In the mists of our pain we make a choice. That choice determines what our true being really desires. We choose to spend hours or even years of our life replaying or regretting the “accident” or “bad luck” in our lives, but in reality the only thing we have the power to change is the choices we make. How we view what happens to us in life and whether or not we let them defeat us. Pain is a true indication of character and will. Any athlete can tell you that. There is no victory without an amount of pain in training. That pain can transform us if we let it. The soreness of unused muscles eventually work for us instead of against us but only if we choose to keep going.

“There are no accidents in life, everything is a lesson. Trust in your life. Everything has a purpose. A warrior doesn’t see pain, but if pain comes, he uses it.”