Or that has been my life for the last five years. Every spring break since I was 18 I have either spent spring break in Nica and/or have been obsessing about our group trip to Nica. So spending this week staying home working my full-time job is a new experience.I cannot hardly describe everything going through my mind or if it is good or bad. Not completely sure how to feel about it. A mixture of feelings really.
Strange, difficult, sad, frustration, lost, confused, failure…
Relaxed, content, thankful, relieved, understanding
This time last year I was in the depths of Nica- living there, trying to learn the language, attempting to make relationships, find my way around all while wanting to help as much as possible but seeing myself turn in circles. The TX group was visiting and I was in the middle of ready to give up and going back with them to TX and extending my time so I could make an actual impact.
Even as the people behind me in the coffee shop speak spanish right now I am transported back to Nica. So I miss it and I am extremely hard on myself knowing that I basically abondonded Nica once I returned to the states and didn’t really do ‘anything’ of substantial value while I was there. Most people have no idea the hours I have spent in absolute anxiety thinking about my time there and how it really has changed me in every part of my life.
However, the second wave of feelings are just as present and just as strong. As weird as it is for me not to be going… I also am not focused on the trip. Yes I am thinking about it but I spend far more time concerned about my own job, life, loves etc now. And it has been really really good for me to only think about myself for awhile. And it took me a long time to be okay with just taking care of me. I have to wake up every morning and remind myself that I am worth spending time on and that the more I improve the more I can help others. So I am spending my ‘spring break’ working and enjoying just being with me.
I know the group is doing great things but for now I am completely certain that where I am is exactly where I should be because the trip is not about me… its about doing as much good for the commmunity of Chinandega as possible. But right now- I have nothing left to give to Nica. It has been a tough transition for me back to the states and I don’t even let on to most people in my life how much of a struggle it has been. I am an extremist and I could not in my heart just go back to Nica for a week then return to the states. I cannot turn the experience on and off like that. I think too much.
So I have cried for sadness when group left because I couldn’t join but mixed in were also tears of understanding. There is a time and a place for everything. I have every faith that I will go back but I am all the happier for those that can go now and utilize their skills to help in whatever way they can. Excited for the future of the Rotary Clubs working together to make a lasting and sustainable impact.
Nicaragua is always in my heart and mind. For now though my girls need my attention and love here. They need hugs, laughs and someone to look up to also. And I need them.
Poco a poco podemos cambiar el mundo…el mundo entero. Aquí y allá.