“Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?”

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My little sister is graduating High School in 15 days. I received her graduation invitation last night and a few tears dropped as I thought of all the opportunities she has at her feet. All she has to do is take them. Quite possibly though those tears also fell as I remembered myself at her age. I wanted so desperately to get out of my tiny Texas town and into the big city. Since I was 15 my dream was to go to Dallas. Back then it was for a different reason, I wanted to model, but the underlying point was that I would be free to explore and have adventures.

 

It dawned on me today as I drove to work, the same way I do every day, across a bridge that puts the Dallas skyline into viewpoint that I am living that dream. I moved here the day after I turned 18 but lately with all the madness in my mind I had forgotten that once upon a time THIS was my dream. So today I stop and I congratulate myself. I may not be moving mountains and I may not be making very much money but I cannot forget that young girl’s dream. Now that I am here, now that I am living my life that I take for granted it is easy to forget that skyline and it is easy to get discouraged but some years ago I would have given anything to be where I am today. I did this. I accomplished this goal. So many days I am hard on myself but today I wrap myself in love because dreams are not meant to be forgotten.

 

I cannot stop dreaming now. I must set new goals and I have to work for them. Right now I am still in limbo about traveling but I feel more comfort in knowing that maybe this is not the right time. Yes, it will be something I accomplish. I have to stop doubting myself. As humans we doubt ourselves even when everyone else believes in us, we are always the hardest on ourselves. I will travel and I will explore this world that has too much to offer. It is my next dream and goal; I know I won’t be content with an 8-5 every day in an office for the rest of my life in Dallas. I know this about myself.

 

 However, dreams take time and logic to happen. Realistically it takes planning and steps to make those dreams a reality. Just like my living in Dallas. When I was my sister’s age I had to get into the university I wanted and I had to work hard to stay there. After graduating and returning from Nicaragua I was hard on myself because a job didn’t fall into place as quickly as I wanted. But when I actually made a plan and stuck with it I landed this job which has been a complete blessing for my life.

 

Sometimes we lose sight of who we truly were before the world got ahold of us, shook us around, landed us on our heads and made us doubt ourselves and capabilities but most importantly our dreams. It doesn’t take much to get back to who we want to be but it does take hard work and patience.

 

Dreams are meant to be achieved and do not let anyone or any circumstance tell you different. Take the time and make the effort to find out what you want. My dream as I left my home town to live and work in Dallas has come true. I think it time to thrive in that for a time while I make the steps towards my next goal. Never tiptoeing but always moving forward even if it’s at a slower pace than I want. I’m still moving.

 Peace & Love 

MBD

Much love to Stephanie Keenan who sent me this inspiration this morning.

Crossroads

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My dear friend said it best when he told me “everytime I talk with you, you have big life changes happening”…. tis true. In a way this is why I seem to always be full of anxiety. My life always has something big going on. But I am thankful for that because I get bored far too easily.

So now I come back to my writing after a bit of time contemplating which direction I should take my next step on this crazy journey of mine. I find myself stuck at a point of crossroads. I have searched my heart, soul and mind for some sort of directional compass but thus far I am still standing solid in confusion. I have a choice to make and I need to do so very soon. Decision-making is definitely not one of my strong suits and especially when I feel so torn.

In one hand I hold the opportunity to travel again. Spain being the destination. My heart flutters with the thought of being able to experience this. I am a free-spirit at heart and more than I can describe I enjoy venturing out into the unknown even when I fall onto my face. The need for adventure and challenge consumes me. And its Madrid… who wouldn’t want to go there?

In the other hand though I hold my reality. I am just settling into my 8-5 and building my career. Though I don’t make much money I like the stability of knowing I have a job and living this life of “norm”. I am forming my life here and though many times I feel idle, I am slowing but surely getting it all together. Also in that hand I hold love. And love my friends is a powerful pull.

So should I stay or should I go? A hundred times a day I ask myself that. This morning I was thinking that if my friend came to me with this dillema what would I tell them? I know my advice would be GO. You are young and have the rest of your life to just work. Don’t tiptoe- get out there, life is an adventure but you have to make it one….

But is my adventure here or there? I guess that is for me to decide. I want to go and stay at the same time. Can I just clone myself and do both?

If I was talking to the me of a year ago there would be no questioning. I would be gone so fast you wouldn’t even see my shadow. But I’ve lived some life since then. Maybe its fear, maybe its comfort in control or maybe its just love. I don’t know. But I have to love myself enough also to listen to what I truly want the most… whatever that is.

 

Rambling Nica thoughts.

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March/Spring break=Nicaragua.
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Or that has been my life for the last five years. Every spring break since I was 18 I have either spent spring break in Nica and/or have been obsessing about our group trip to Nica. So spending this week staying home working my full-time job is a new experience.I cannot hardly describe everything going through my mind or if it is good or bad. Not completely sure how to feel about it. A mixture of feelings really.

Strange, difficult, sad, frustration, lost, confused, failure…
but also,
Relaxed, content, thankful, relieved, understanding

This time last year I was in the depths of Nica- living there, trying to learn the language, attempting to make relationships, find my way around all while wanting to help as much as possible but seeing myself turn in circles. The TX group was visiting and I was in the middle of ready to give up and going back with them to TX and extending my time so I could make an actual impact.

Even as the people behind me in the coffee shop speak spanish right now I am transported back to Nica. So I miss it and I am extremely hard on myself knowing that I basically abondonded Nica once I returned to the states and didn’t really do ‘anything’ of substantial value while I was there. Most people have no idea the hours I have spent in absolute anxiety thinking about my time there and how it really has changed me in every part of my life.

However, the second wave of feelings are just as present and just as strong. As weird as it is for me not to be going… I also am not focused on the trip. Yes I am thinking about it but I spend far more time concerned about my own job, life, loves etc now. And it has been really really good for me to only think about myself for awhile. And it took me a long time to be okay with just taking care of me. I have to wake up every morning and remind myself that I am worth spending time on and that the more I improve the more I can help others. So I am spending my ‘spring break’ working and enjoying just being with me.

I know the group is doing great things but for now I am completely certain that where I am is exactly where I should be because the trip is not about me… its about doing as much good for the commmunity of Chinandega as possible. But right now- I have nothing left to give to Nica. It has been a tough transition for me back to the states and I don’t even let on to most people in my life how much of a struggle it has been. I am an extremist and I could not in my heart just go back to Nica for a week then return to the states. I cannot turn the experience on and off like that. I think too much.

So I have cried for sadness when group left because I couldn’t join but mixed in were also tears of understanding. There is a time and a place for everything. I have every faith that I will go back but I am all the happier for those that can go now and utilize their skills to help in whatever way they can. Excited for the future of the Rotary Clubs working together to make a lasting and sustainable impact.

Nicaragua is always in my heart and mind. For now though my girls need my attention and love here. They need hugs, laughs and someone to look up to also. And I need them.

Poco a poco podemos cambiar el mundo…el mundo entero. Aquí y allá.

Celebrating Life. Celebrating Love.

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Jess would have been 25 years old today.

Sometimes I ask myself why I even remember her birthday… depending on the day I probably couldn’t tell you the dates of the members in my own family so it is strange that I always have remembered her birthday. I even forgot my own Grandmother’s Bday recently! (Sorry gma, Happy Be-lated!) But in a way it is not strange at all.

Jessica was a classmate and friend of mine in high school. I hadn’t known her for very long but we had a connection and I enjoyed spending time with her. In May of 2006 we were involved in a tragic car accident that took her life. I guess what has bothered me about VDay since then is that even though I was screaming that I loved her that day- she couldn’t hear. So it irks me that there is just “one day” to say I love you and it just so happens to have been her birthday. And yes my spirit is at ease because I know she knew I loved her… but I needed her to hear me in that moment, the moment when her life slipped by and there was no longer any moments left. There was no more Valentine’s Day for her and no more Birthdays to celebrate in her life.

The last six years of my life every year on this day has been very challenging. But as I grow older and as my wounds from the past have healed I am able to see this day in a more positive light. Even though it is tough and I have shed some tears today because even though it has been six years, I am reminded of her death every day. But today- I am choosing to celebrate and remember her life and celebrating that love.

After all isn’t that what birthdays are about? Celebrating life. And Valentine’s Day although highly-done by consumerism… the truth is that it is about celebrating love.

Love and Life. Two things definitely worth celebrating. I am thankful for my life today and everyday when I wake up. Thankful for the love of others and my love for so many in my life. 

I love you and thank you for celebrating our life and love together every single day.

 

 

 

What I want for my Yesterday, Today and Every day.

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ImageA few months ago when I was in a very deep rut of constant stage of anxiety with “I don’t know what I’m doing with my life and everything is a mess”; I was approached with a question. I couldn’t answer it then because honestly I don’t think I had ever really thought about it. It’s been a few months now and I am able to see a little clearer now that I’m not absorbed in my own self-loathing. So now I would like to take a stab at addressing that question.

What do you want today to look like?  Take a look at what a typical day looks like for you currently. Now that is fine but what, my dear, do you WANT your every day to look like? And not only look like but taste, touch, smell, feel… what do you want every aspect to be? But even more important than thinking and understanding how you want spend your time is putting those thoughts into action. So if you want to wake up early, read the newspaper while drinking coffee and then mosey along to work relaxed instead of jumping out of bed and running out the door in a panic: how can you make this happen. Figure it out and then GO.

So I’ve been pondering on this question. I ponder more than I act, it’s a curse and a blessing sometimes but here is what I have come up with so far as what I want my current days to consist of.

  • 5:30am- Wake up slowly, put on some light music stretch my body, make some green tea and get onto my meditation spot. Just being with my morning thoughts as I awake.
  • 6:00am- Journal time. The joy of writing. This is where I find myself and I’m not talking about making to-do lists. Journaling is a source of great power and reflection for me, just a matter of tapping into that source.
  • 6:30am- Stretching/light yoga. Almond nut butter on Ezekiel bread with water for breaking the evening fast.
  • 7:15am- Sweat it out. Take everything I need for the day with me to the gym or have it packed at the house if going for a run. I need to work out every single day. Not only because I am vain and want to look good but for my overall health mentally, physically and emotionally.
  •  8:15am- shower, green smoothie time and get ready for work. Having my greens makes my life so much better. Spinach, Kale, Romaine, Pear with coconut water is probably my favorite drink so far. Green Goddess.
  • 9:15am- Off to work. Listen to audiobooks so I stop going crazy during my commute.
  • 10:00 am- Work: I really enjoy my job and just have to remember to smile. I forget that a lot.
  • 1:00pm- Take at least a 30 min lunch. Get outside. Rejuvenated. Veggies. Hummus. Yum.
  • 3:00pm- Pick up my students from school. Hugs. Giggles. Love them to pieces.
  • 7:00pm- Drive back home. Chance for one more audio chapter.
  • 8:00pm- Dinner time. Music and Juicing included. Occasional glass of red wine and a piece of chocolate.
  • 8:30pm- Get everything ready for the next day. Make lunch; pack all bags so I don’t have to rush in the morning. I love being prepared.
  • 9:00pm- Sleepy time tea and read my book.
  • 9:30pm- Goodnight world. Leave all worries of the day behind and get a full 8 hours of sleep.

 For now these things are important to me. I am truly trying to focus on taking care of myself and being the best me I can be every day. Change takes time and I have been implementing these slowly over the past few months to create my perfect day. I don’t beat myself up for taking a side-step once in a while but try to keep consistency is important for long term results. This exercise has been one that has been very beneficial for me as I make a vision for what I want my life to look like.

7 months 12 days

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Time-Quotes-9I have missed blogging. Writing has always been a passion of mine and I grew especially fond of blogging my experiences in Nica along with the rest of my life. It was time for a break though. 7 months and 12 day break to be exact. I had multiple reasons for this which maybe I will share with time but for now I guess I just want to say I am glad to be back. I am in a place where I feel secure enough to share my thoughts with the blogisphere again. 

I still believe in hope. I still believe in change. Living for love and loving living. If my friend Chris was still with us in the physical word he would probably be disappointed in my tip-toeing over the past 7 months but sometimes it takes a little careful walking to get us back on solid ground.

That is all for now. More to come. Not sure when or what I will write about but I will meet you there if you care to join me once more. 

XOXOXO

MBD

14 Rules for Being YOU

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Reblogged from Hands-of-Faith Holistic Healing Centers® Blog:

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Be yourself.  Trying to be anyone else is a waste of the person you are.  Embrace that individual inside you that has ideas, strengths and beauty like no one else.  Be the person you know yourself to be – the best version of you – on your terms.  And above all, be true to YOU – if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.

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Stay true to you.